A common problem?

A curious thing happened yesterday. I was talkin with a male friend & they were sayin about a marital issue they're wrestling with at the moment. It was like they had a window on some of my thoughts and verbalised some of my inner ramblings...

Theirs was an issue relating to control, submission, leadership & following. They share a similar stance to me in terms of believing the husband needs to take the loving servant leadership position (as Jesus did with His bride the church)...and the woman to respectfully follow. (Submit/obey has too many negative connertations in our culture although I believe correctly understood it is the right term. (See Love & Respect teaching))

Their presenting surface issue was different to ours but the underlying narrative the same - why doesn't my wife fall in to line when necessary? And why too does she not seem to move on in maturity when I am doing? (I know - I know - AM I??!) Why is it it feels like we are km ahead and the wife is still back in a former decade? Now I realise this sounds incredibly one sided & arrogant (and it could be) but my friend confirms as I have experienced that even independant bystanders may note the same thing. Is it coz we are better at presenting arguements? (We have the better lawyer speak?!) Or is it because it's true... & very common?

Either way, the interesting point was this - is this the man's fault anyway?

Why? Because WE r the leaders so if something's not right the buck stops with us right? The wife "not growing up"? then why am I bounding ahead expecting her to "grow herself up to catch me up?" Is it about the man's failure to nurture, love & disciple his main God given follower?

I often think - "If only she'd go and see people, get some more perspective & grow out of some of these immature beliefs". I've tried talking to her about them but often the result is she feels critisised & takes it all personally. ["why would anyone do that?" I'm thinking with more of a man head!]. So I've given up trying to change her (well - sometimes!). But then when I do that have I left her out to pasture alone rather than disciple her at her pace? (As God does us). And then it's doubly difficult if we try to re-address this in the field. Because though us men might repent & step up to the plate, our partners then get uneasy because after all - where we've abdicated responsibilty for an "easy life" - our partners have gotten used to "acting the man" for better or for worse so our stepping up becomes a threat & an unfamiliar attack. Arrgh!

Our big illustration for this is the methods of raising of our first daughter. Specifically our biggest bone of contention:
To "be there" all the time for her (potentially) when necesary at night ...or to teach her some independency by letting her cry until she can go to sleep by herself?
My wife favours the former in case you haven't guessed & me the latter. I tried to convince my wife a year ago but was ferociously opposed and resigned to allowing my wife to do this if I apparently could not disuade her. And so our daughter now largely expects only this. And now with another daughter (currently ill) we don't need added tasks! Much as I could rant about this problem, I wonder if the bigger one is our team dynamic - are we back in the garden? Eve takes the apple and Adam lets it happen? Woman can tend to lead and man assume passivity....to the detriment of both?

And furthermore...it's a challenge to stop trying to "fix" our partners? Just to love them?
I don't have a conclusion or the answers yet. What yas think?